Intro - 3/17

Kind of weird to put trigger warnings on a blog post about dieting but warnings for: suicidal thoughts, weight loss, and calorie counting.  I know I'm in kind of a bad place but I really hope that this doesn't hurt anyone else.

So I'm writing this just so that I don't lose my mind.  Right now, I'll be honest:  I'm not in the best place mentally.  My job consists of just mind-numbing, unsatisfying, barely-above-minimum-wage work on Upwork, and I'm stuck living at my parents' place because I'm afraid of what everything will cost in the end.  I haven't spoken to friends or anyone outside of my nuclear family for months now.  And recently I've been thinking about killing myself.  At least, more than I have before.  It's not healthy.  But I can't handle going to a doctor right now, and I need some sort of outlet where I can just say whatever, out in the world.  And I have been trying to lose weight, so here we are.

I'll be honest, although I do fantasize about being that perfect Instagram-able healthy with green smoothies and muscle and all that stuff, a good portion of the reason I'm losing weight right now is so my body isn't so much of a burden if I do... you know.  I know, it's fucked up.  I hope that I change my mind.  I hope that I can get help or change my situation soon, but right now, this is what I have.

I've reinstalled and kept up with MyFitnessPal for I believe a couple weeks now? I'm not going to retroactively write everything I ate in those past two weeks - I think just starting off now will do.

Here's another thing to note - I count my calories from 12am-11:59pm as a "day", but my awake time really tends to be ~6pm-11am.  Reason being my mother has a night schedule and claims that the dogs prefer a night schedule too, and because they react if I so much as move, and I don't have an out-of-the-house job, I have to be on that schedule too.  It drives me insane.  But that's for another day.

Foods I Ate Today

2 Little Debbie Swiss Rolls - 270 cal

1/2 cup of Hershey's Popped Snack Mix - 130 cal

Ihop 2 x 2 x 2 w/ Turkey Bacon & Scrambled Eggs - 620 cal

Syrup - 110 cal

Ketchup - 30 cal

Total - 1160 cal

Weight - ? (did not weigh self today)

Today was way lower than I intended for it to be.  I actually wanted today to be a "cheat" day but earlier, when I couldn't resist and ate the snack cakes and chocolate snack mix, I mentioned being hungrier than usual and my mom said to "not eat too much" while almost glaring at me.  I felt so ashamed and I couldn't have a higher caloric intake today.  Now I'm hungry (at about 4:45am, so technically anything I eat will be counted for the next day, but I can't bring myself to).  Maybe I'll cheat on my diet tomorrow (or today, whatever), but I still feel guilty.

For context, I started eating consciously at around 235 lbs or thereabouts.  Yesterday morning my usual scale said I weighed in at 225.2 lbs, but there's another scale in my house that said 231.5 lbs so I don't really know?  The heavier scale is really, really old and is kind of known for being off, but the other scale I have to move in and out of the bathroom and get on it a few times before it settles on a number.  However, I haven't seen 225 for a while, and it did make me briefly happy when I did see it.  I don't have a measuring tape, partly because I let my mom borrow mine and now she claims that it was hers, but I hope to start measuring my waist soon.

I'm 23, 5'5" and my goal weight would be around 120 lbs, but I don't know.

Anyway, this was kind of a depressing introduction to my blog, but sometimes that's just how it is.  I'll try updating on my food log every day, and maybe get into some of the touchy-feely stuff as well.

P.S. Sorry about the GIANT cat on the blog, I hate it, I'm allergic to cats, but I literally just chose a theme at random and I don't have the energy to change it right now.